


do you know who you are?

by liveinfury



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fraternity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 15:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21077168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveinfury/pseuds/liveinfury
Summary: “Sure, Cap. I’lltryto keep it quiet.” Patrick winks at Jonny. “But be honest, you like the noises I make, huh?”“What? Of course not!" Jonny sputters. "I’m not gay!”(or where Jonny can't figure out why he feels so uneasy when Patrick brings guys home to their frat house).





	do you know who you are?

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on the [reddit story that went viral](https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/straight-guy-worries-hes-homophobic-gay-roommate-ends-falling-love/#gs.iKv_VNE). barely edited, all mistakes are mine.
> 
> title is from Lights Up by Harry Styles.

Jonny stares at the blank word doc in front of him, the cursor flashing impatiently. He has to throw together a five page essay about the importance of vitamins for his Nutrition class by tomorrow.

“Yo, Cap!” Dylan shouts, poking his head into Jonny’s room. “Kaner’s calling an emergency meeting.”

“Now?” Jonny asks.

“Yeah. He told me to gather everyone in the living room,” Dylan says.

Jonny sighs before closing his laptop. His essay will just have to wait. He makes his way downstairs to see the entire frat shuffling into the living room. 

“What’s the big emergency, Kaner?” Duncs calls, squeezing in between Shawzy and Seabs on the couch.

Patrick’s standing in front of the TV, hands wringing as he rocks back and forth on his feet. “You’ll find out when everyone’s here.”

“You dropping out?” Crow asks.

Jonny’s stomach drops at the thought. But there’s no way Patrick would drop out without telling Jonny first, right? Whatever this emergency is, it probably isn’t serious since Patrick didn’t come to him with it. It’s probably to announce another stupid party theme he came up with.

“Everyone here?” Patrick asks, scanning the room. 

“Steeger went out for dinner,” Dylan says. “I think everyone else is here.”

“Alright, I’ll just fill him in later,” Patrick says. He clears his throat and continues, “So, thanks for being here on short notice. There’s something I wanted to tell everyone for a while and I think now’s a good time to do it.”

“Are you dying?” Alex asks.

“No, no, nothing serious,” Patrick says. “At least I don’t think so.”

There’s a quiet pause before Duncs says, “Well, what is it then?”

Patrick clears his throat and anxiously looks around the room until his eyes land on Jonny. “So um…”

Jonny gives him a small nod, urging him to continue. Patrick nods back and squares his shoulders before he starts again. “Basically, I’m gay. I’ve always been gay so don’t bother asking ‘since when?’ I’ve kept it quiet the past few years because I don’t want anyone looking at me differently even though I know none of you are homophobes, I would still be thought of as ‘different’. But I’m tired of not being my true self around the people that mean the most to me so, yeah.”

“Cool, man,” Seabs says, getting up and clapping Patrick on the shoulder. “Was that it?”

“Um, yeah,” Patrick replies. 

Most of the guys say positive things as they start dispersing. Jonny sticks around in the living room to make sure no one gives Patrick a hard time.

“Dude, you should’ve just told me you prefer dick,” Sharpy says to Patrick. “I wasted so much time trying to find a girl for you.”

“It’s not that easy, Sharpy,” Patrick says, shrugging.

“Yeah, yeah.” Sharpy waves his hand in dismissal. “But hey, now that I know, I can find you a dude. I know just the guy, he’s in my English class and-”

Patrick locks eyes with Jonny briefly before looking away. “Bro, chill. I’m not looking for anything serious right now,” Patrick says.

“You just looking for casual?” Dylan asks from where he’s lounging on the vacated couch.

“I guess,” Patrick says, smiling. “Got a lot of exploring to do on campus.”

Jonny pushes off the wall and walks over to Patrick. “I’m proud of you, Kaner. Takes guts to come out like that to a frat.”

“Thanks, Cap,” Patrick says, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Let me know if anyone gives you shit. I got your back,” Jonny says.

“Same,” Duncs calls out.

“Same,” Dylan, Seabs, and Sharpy say at the same time.

“Will do,” Patrick says laughing.

***

After coming out to everyone, Patrick starts to bring guys back to his room. 

Jonny’s room in the frat house is next to Patrick’s. So when he’s studying, he’s privy to a lot of grunting and moaning coming from next door. At first, Jonny finds it kind of funny and he’s happy for Patrick - to have to stifle your attraction to someone must be incredibly hard - but after weeks of it, Jonny’s annoyed. 

He’s met more guys after running into them when they’re coming out of Patrick’s room than he has all semester on campus.

One morning, after a particularly loud night, Jonny steps around a new guy he’s never seen before and knocks on Patrick’s door.

“Forgot something-oh. Hey, Jonny,” Patrick says, flinging the door wide open. He’s in nothing but tight black boxer briefs that leave nothing to the imagination. 

“Where some clothes,” Jonny spits out. He hovers his hand in the air, covering his view of Patrick’s junk.

“Don’t tell me what to do in my room. Besides, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” Patrick says, laughing.

Well, that’s true. He’s seen everyone’s junk at some point over the years in the locker room, but seeing Patrick in just briefs feels weird.

“What’s up?” Patrick asks, flopping onto his bed.

“I-uh. Well, this is kind of awkward, but can you try to keep it down at night? You and your...companions are really loud,” Jonny says, wincing.

“My companions?” Patrick asks, barking out a laugh. “You’re like a forty-year-old stuck in a twenty-year-old body.”

“Fuck off,” Jonny grunts.

“Sure, Cap. I’ll _try_ to keep it quiet.” Patrick winks at Jonny. “But be honest, you like the noises I make, huh?”

“What? Of course not!" Jonny sputters. "I’m not gay!”

“I was joking, but thanks for clarifying.”

“Just keep it down,” Jonny says before stomping away.

***

Patrick’s extra loud that night. Jonny counteracts the noise by blasting Our Lady Peace but eventually turns it down when half the guys come to complain. He thinks Patrick probably gets the message. Our Lady Peace is great and all, but not really the kind of music you want to hook up to.

Jonny starts to notice the same guy going in and coming out of Patrick’s room. He’s tall and lean with shaggy brown hair.

One night when the boys have a Mario Kart tournament, Patrick brings the new guy. Apparently, his name is Chase and he plays for the school’s soccer team.

Chase squeezes in at the end of the couch while Patrick takes a seat on the arm.

Jonny’s sitting on the ground and tries to ignore them. He feels like an asshole but lately anytime Patrick mentions something gay related or Jonny sees Chase, he feels uncomfortable. There’s a pit in his stomach that continues to grow. 

But it’s not there when he’s hanging with Patrick alone. When it’s just the two of them, whether they’re grabbing something to eat, studying together, or even working out, he feels fine. Like how things were before Patrick came out.

He knows all of this points to the idea that he’s not as okay with the whole gay thing as he thought he was. Is he a closet homophobe? But that can’t be, he’s interacted with gay guys before and never felt the way he does with Patrick.

“He your boyfriend?” Jonny asks.

Patrick shoots him a look of annoyance. “No, we’re just dating.”

Chase smiles up at Patrick and Jonny wants to punch him. He keeps his thoughts to himself for most of the night. When everyone starts to disperse, Jonny stays back until it’s just him and the two lovebirds.

Jonny stands up and asks Chase, “What’s your major?”

“Undecided right now,” Chase answers, hesitating.

“Undecided? Aren’t you too old to still be undecided?”

“I’m a freshman,” Chase replies.

Jonny makes a face. “Freshman?” He turns to look at Patrick. “Really, Kaner? That’s gross.”

Patrick’s red in the face, hands twisting into fists at his sides. “He’s eighteen and I’m nineteen, asshole.”

“You’re almost twenty,” Jonny corrects him.

“The fuck is your problem?” Patrick asks.

Jonny shrugs as a reply.

“Is it because he’s eighteen or because he’s a guy? Huh?” Patrick asks, sliding off the couch and stepping over to Jonny. 

Patrick’s a good five inches shorter than him, but he’s intimidating as hell when he's angry.

“I don’t care that you’re gay,” Jonny says.

“That’s fucking bullshit,” Patrick says through gritted teeth. “So I’ll ask again, what the fuck is your problem?”

“Nothing. Everything is fine,” Jonny replies, taking a step back as Patrick continues forward.

“Pat,” Chase calls from where he’s still sitting on the couch. “Maybe you should let it go.”

Patrick groans in annoyance. “Fuck. Whatever,” he says, backing away.

Jonny heads towards the front door, thinking a walk is exactly what he needs right now when Patrick says, “You know of all people, I never thought I’d have to worry about you.”

“Me too,” Jonny mutters to himself.

***

Jonny comes back to the house after class one afternoon to see Patrick making out with Chase on the couch and completely loses it.

“Dude, you have a room, use it,” Jonny says.

“You complain when I use it,” Patrick says, smirking.

Jonny ignores him and heads up to his room. “I don’t understand how you can just do shit like that in public,” he mumbles.

“What was that?” Patrick calls from behind him, and when Jonny doesn’t answer, he runs up the stairs after him.

“What’s going on with you?” Patrick asks, cornering Jonny in his own room.

“Nothing” Jonny replies.

“Since when do we fight?” Patrick asks.

Jonny gives his a look and Patrick laughs. “I mean fight like we mean it.”

“Just stressed with school stuff, I guess,” Jonny says pulling out books from his backpack. 

“Look, if you aren’t okay with me being gay then that’s on you. But don’t make a whole fucking scene in front of a guy I like or the rest of the boys. It’s not cool.”

“You like him?” Jonny asks. It feels like the walls are slowly closing in on him.

Patrick smiles slowly. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I don’t have a problem with you being gay, seriously. I just don’t like PDA,” he explains.

“I never hear you complain when Sharpy and Abby are practically going at it in front of everyone all the time.”

Jonny doesn’t know what to say to that, he settles for “...that’s different.”

Patrick frowns as his shoulders drop. “Nah, Jonny. It’s really not.”

***

Chase is around a lot after that. A part of Jonny really is happy for Patrick, but another larger part is irritated and he still can’t figure out why.

Jonny tries to keep himself occupied and avoids Patrick to the best of his ability. He doesn’t like the nauseating feeling that overcomes him whenever he sees Patrick with Chase. That’s not who he is and he knows that.

Seabs comes up to him in the locker room after practice one day. “We need to talk,” he whispers.

Jonny nods, assuming it’s probably about their power play.

He’s completely off base. When he gets back from his shower, Seabs and Sharpy are sitting by Jonny’s stall. “Get dressed, we’re taking you to lunch.”

They go over to the diner around the block that Jonny tries to avoid at all costs. Not only is the food full of sugar and oil, but they don’t offer anything that’s gluten free. 

“What’s this about?” Jonny asks, getting agitated that neither of them have said anything yet.

“What’s going on between you and Kaner?” Sharpy asks.

Jonny deflates in his seat. He should’ve known they’d catch on.

“Ever since he came out, you two aren’t attached at the hip as usual,” Seabs says, stuffing a forkful of eggs into his mouth despite it being 2 PM on a Tuesday.

“I don’t know,” Jonny admits. He can’t lie to them, and at this point he doesn’t care to.

“What do you mean?” Seabs asks.

Jonny explains everything. About how uncomfortable he is around Patrick and Chase, the stifling and vomit inducing feeling he gets when he sees them together. 

“But I’m not homophobic,” Jonny says, finishing his rant. “I know I’m not.”

Seabs is smirking. “Didn’t say you were.”

Sharpy starts to laugh.

“This isn’t funny,” Jonny growls. “I know I’m being a dick but I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

Sharpy sighs. “This is so sad.”

Seabs stifles a laugh. “Should we tell him?”

“Probably. What if he never figures it out otherwise?” Sharpy asks.

Seabs nods and squares his shoulders before saying, “You’re jealous.”

“Of what?” Jonny asks.

“Chase, duh,” Sharpy answers.

“What do you mean?”

Sharpy sighs in annoyance. “You have feelings for Kaner, dude. It’s pretty simple.”

It’s Jonny’s turn to laugh now. “Funny. I thought you guys were serious when you said you knew what was going on with me.”

Seabs lifts an eyebrow at him. “We’re not joking. You like Kaner and you’re jealous of Chase.”

“I know what jealousy feels like,” Jonny says. “And this isn’t it.”

“Oh, this is _so_ it,” Seabs says, laughing again.

“Wow, I can’t believe we’ve lived to see the day Jonny has feelings,” Sharpy says.

“I like girls, okay? I’ve never thought about a guy like that. You can’t just turn gay at age twenty.”

“Ever heard of the Kinsey Scale, bro?” Sharpy asks, pulling out his phone.

Jonny sits there and listens to them both go on about how there’s a spectrum and how sexuality can be fluid.

“It’s not like that for me though,” Jonny says after they finish their explanation. 

Sharpy looks at him like he’s lying, which he’s not. Jonny really doesn’t think of Patrick in any sexual way. That’d be weird, he’s Patrick for fuck’s sake. Jonny’s seen him sleep in his own vomit once.

“Wait!” Jonny says, sitting up straight in his seat with an epiphany. “I’m jealous of Chase because Kaner’s spending all of his time with him. I just miss my friend! That’s what’s going on.”

Seabs and Sharpy exchange looks. “Sure, let’s go with that.”

“You guys are nuts. Thinking I have feelings for Kaner,” Jonny mumbles the last part, laughing and shaking his head. 

Sharpy nods. “Our bad then. Maybe you’re right, you just miss him now that he’s got a boyfriend.”

Jonny’s heart starts picking up speed in his chest. “Boyfriend? It’s like official now or whatever?”

Sharpy smirks. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

***

Jonny catches Patrick in the kitchen making a sandwich when he gets home. 

“Hey,” Patrick says, eyeing him warily. 

“Hi, can we talk?”

Patrick sits down at the dining table and gestures for Jonny to join him. It’s quiet in the house, most of the guys probably have classes or are napping.

“Is this about why you’ve been a dick lately?” Patrick asks, taking a bit of the sandwich.

Jonny winces. “Yeah, look I couldn’t understand why I was having such bad reactions to you and other guys at first.”

Patrick’s listens intently to Jonny. He sets his sandwich down and wipes his hands on a napkin. “At first?” he asks, cautiously.

“Yeah, I thought maybe I was subconsciously homophobic which isn’t me at all, but then I had lunch with Seabs and Sharpy today and they made me realize the real reason why I’ve been an asshole to you.”

Patrick takes a sip of water and clears his throat. “And that is?”

“I’m jealous of Chase,” Jonny says. “Well, I guess I’m jealous of all the guys you’ve been with lately.”

Patrick stares at his glass, circling the rim of it with his finger. His chin is tucked and he’s smiling slowly to himself.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, man. We never hang out anymore,” Jonny says.

Patrick’s smile halts. “What do you mean?”

“We used to be super close, but ever since you came out and started hooking up with guys, I feel like I never see you. Well, not _just_ you,” Jonny explains.

Patrick leans back in his chair with a frown. “So when you say you’re jealous of Chase…”

Jonny nods. “I’m jealous of all the time he gets to spend with you. You’re never around, and when you are, you’re with him. I guess it’s the first time you’ve actually dated anyone, the first time someone’s come between us. It was annoying me, I just didn’t know why.”

Patrick squints at him and bites his lip. “So you just miss me as your friend? Is that it?”

“‘Course, what else would it be?”

“I’m a fucking idiot,” Patrick mumbles to himself.

“What?” Jonny asks, leaning closer to hear him.

“Nothing.” Patrick slouches in his seat and gives Jonny a weak smile. “I’m glad you figured things out then.”

“So, maybe we can hang out tonight?” Jonny asks. “Just you and me?”

Patrick sighs. “Sure, Netflix?”

“Sounds good,” Jonny says. He feels a weight lifted off his shoulders. “Missed you, dude.”

“Me too,” Patrick says, smiling.

***

Jonny spends that night crushed against Patrick on his bed, balancing his laptop on their laps as they binge Peaky Blinders.

Between every episode when the five second countdown starts, Patrick says random things with a hilariously awful English accent. It makes them both crack up for way too long, making them miss the beginning of the next episode. It goes on like that for a while until it’s so late in the night that they’re becoming delirious.

“Ay, mate,” Patrick starts up during the countdown.

“Stop,” Jonny says, smacking his arm. 

“Do me a favor, would ya?” Patrick continues with the accent. “Go on an’ get me a water.”

“You said water like you’re from New York,” Jonny says, laughing.

“I am from New York,” Patrick says. “Water...water. Water? Water. Waater. WAter? Wat-”

Patrick’s tries at getting the word right in an English accent is interrupted by a loud knock on the door. The person doesn’t wait for anyone to answer before barging in.

It’s Seabs with a hand over his eyes. “Can you guys keep it down? It’s two in the fucking morning.”

Jonny and Patrick look at each other, cracking up again for some reason. 

“Sorry, man,” Jonny says. “Didn’t realize we were that loud.”

Seabs seems startled as he lowers the hand covering his eye. “Oh, Jonny? I thought you had a guy over, Kaner.”

“Nah, just good ol’ Jonny.”

Seabs stares at where their bodies are pressed up against each other on the bed. “Huh. So you guys a thing, or?”

Sharpy stomps into the room before they can answer. “I’m glad you guys finally confessed your feelings for each other and everything, but for the love of god, that fucking accent needs to stop.”

“Um, what?” Jonny says, pausing the show.

“We’re not-um,” Patrick says, wide-eyed and shaking his head.

“Oh fuck,” Sharpy whispers. “Um, I mean, just assuming because you’re both, ya know.” He gestures at where they’re still squeezed together on the bed.

Seabs shoves at Sharpy, pushing out the door. “We’ll be going now. Just try to keep it down, please.”

“Maybe we should call it a night?” Patrick asks.

“Uh, yeah, I got an 8 AM tomorrow anyway,” Jonny says, sliding out of bed. 

“What the hell? Why’d you stay up so late then?”

Jonny shrugs. “It’s been a while, right?”

Patrick nods slightly.

“Hearing you try to sing the national anthem with an English accent is worth it, dude.”

Patrick laughs as he shuts down the laptop.

“What are you up to tomorrow?” Jonny asks, making his way to the door.

“Probably just studying, I got a big test on Friday.”

Jonny nods. “Maybe I’ll swing by? We can study together?”

“Sure.”

Jonny smiles at Patrick and when he turns to leave he spots a water bottle poking out of Patrick’s gear bag. He tosses it at him and says with his own horrible accent. “Here’s the water you wanted, mate.”

***

The next day, Jonny’s got all his study materials in hand as he uses his foot to knock on Patrick’s door. He waits a few minutes but doesn’t hear anything. “Kaner? It’s Jonny. My hands are full, open the door, dude.”

He hears some rustling and another minute goes by before the door opens. “Hey,” Patrick says, pulling on a shirt. Jonny notices Chase in the background shouldering his backpack. 

“Uh, hi,” Jonny says, annoyed at Chase’s presence. He figured he’d be over this feeling since he realized what it was.

Chase comes up to Patrick and drops a kiss on his cheek. “Tomorrow?” Chase asks.

Patrick shrugs. “We’ll see.”

Chase laughs as he slides past Jonny.

“Was I interrupting something?” Jonny asks, closing the door and walking over to Patrick’s bed When they study together Patrick likes to work at his desk and Jonny prefers the bed, mostly because his back aches if he’s sitting up for too long so he likes to take breaks and lie down.

“Nah, Chase was leaving anyway.”

Jonny pulls out his history textbook and looks over at Patrick who’s rifling through his backpack for something, probably a pen.

He notices Patrick’s lips are swollen. They’re red and tender and his hair is a mess, curls going in every which way. He belatedly realizes that Patrick and Chase were obviously hooking up, but tries to swallow down the uneasiness he feels.

Patrick kisses guys, so what? No big deal. He’s still making time for Jonny and that should be enough to stop these stupid irrational jealous feelings.

“You okay?” Patrick asks from where he’s settled down at his desk.

Jonny looks away. “Yeah, all good.”

Except it’s not because then Jonny starts thinking about himself kissing other guys. He wonders what it would feel like. If their lips would be as soft as a women’s, how their large hands would feel in his hair, on his hips, how their beards would scrub up against Jonny’s cheeks. 

He shakes his head and opens up his book. He tries to take notes on the last chapter they covered in class but his thoughts keep getting pulled back to kissing boys. And it honestly doesn’t sound so bad. Jonny’s always gotten along with guys better than girls ever since he was a kid. He used to think he was just awkward and would grow out of it but he’s twenty and still has a tough time making small talk with a girl much less charming her into a date. 

If he was with a guy, it would be so much easier. He also thinks if he was with a guy like Patrick, they’d have a lot in common too. They could also share clothes, and if that’s not an upside-

“Jonny!” Patrick shouts, pulling Jonny out of his thoughts.

“Sorry, what?” he asks, feeling off kilter.

“You were zoning out at the wall,” Patrick says. “You sure you’re okay?”

“How did you know that you liked guys?” Jonny asks, abruptly. 

Patrick looks at him with a furrowed brow. “I don’t know. I just knew? Since I was a kid I’ve always liked guys better, y’know? And once everyone started hitting puberty it was like oh, muscles? Dicks? Yes, please!”

Jonny laughs. “So, you just knew, huh?”

Patrick narrows his eyes. “Why are you asking?”

Jonny shrugs. “Just wondering what that was like for you.”

Patrick nods in understanding. “I had it easy knowing I was definiteively gay. It’s probably a lot harder for people who are bi or on the spectrum in some way to deal with their feelings and what they mean.”

“Do you think people who are bi just know they are too?” Jonny asks, biting his lip.

“I wouldn’t know,” Patrick says. “I think it’s different for everyone.”

“Huh,” Jonny says, turning back to his book. He doesn’t know why he just asked Patrick all of that but now he’s looking at Jonny funny. And if he’s honest, Jonny’s looking at himself funny. Did he let Sharpy and Seabs’ talk the other day get to him? Or is this something that he’s been wondering all along?

He shelves his sexuality crisis for the night and puts his focus back on his history notes. They study in silence a little while longer until Shawzy yells from downstairs that he’s going to order pizza for the house and he’s coming around to collect money.

***

A few days later, Jonny and Patrick are passing a bottle of vodka back and forth when Jonny comes to the sudden drunken realization that Patrick probably sucks dick. Like actually wraps his lips around a dick. Those obscene, full lips. This thought propels him off the ground.

“You suck dick!”

“What. The. Fuck?” Patrick asks, sitting up and staring at Jonny.

“Do you? Oh my god, do you suck Chase’s dick?” Jonny asks. He starts pacing.

Patrick just stares at him.

Jonny couches down in front of Patrick and glares at his lips. They’re glistening wet and chewed raw but still look soft and welcoming. “Do you?” 

Patrick shoves Jonny so he topples over. “Yeah, I suck dick. Do you have a fucking problem?”

Jonny struggles to sit up as the room swirls around him. “Why are you sucking his dick? I bet it’s gross.”

“You sound like a child,” Patrick says. “And it’s not gross. His dick is great, it’s...uh, huge.”

Jonny giggles as he finally manages to sit up. “Liar. I bet it’s tiny and ugly.”

“You’re tiny and ugly,” Patrick says shoving him over again. “Besides, why do you care who’s dick I suck?”

“‘Cause it should be mine,” Jonny says, staring at Patrick’s mouth again.

“What?”

“Do dicks taste good?”

“Jesus Christ, Jonny. I’m not drunk enough for this. Are you bi?” Patrick asks, poking Jonny in the ribs.

Jonny spams and pushes away from Patrick. “Nah.”

“So what’s up with the blow job questions?”

Jonny looks over at him. “I wonder if guys really do give the best blow jobs. That’s what people say, right? Because guys know what feels good?”

Patrick shrugs. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve only ever gotten blow jobs from guys.”

Jonny hums in acknowledgment. 

“But you should get one from a dude and see for yourself,” Patrick says. “There’s a whole other world out there, Jonny.”

Jonny eyes Patrick’s mouth again.

“I’m not going to be your experiment, you weirdo. Stop staring at my mouth and go look at some gay porn,” Patrick says glancing down at Jonny’s crotch.

Jonny follows his gaze and notices he’s got a chub sprouting.

“In my defense,” Jonny starts, pointing at Patrick. “You were talking about blow jobs.”

“You started it!” Patrick sputters. 

***

Jonny takes Patrick’s advice to heart and looks up some gay porn. The first one he watches has dialogue that makes him cringe in the beginning, but once they get going, he’s as hard as a fucking rock. 

He doesn’t know if this really means anything. All aspects of sex is hot to him. The grunting noises and the visual of skin rubbing against skin gets him going no matter what gender is participating.

It’s not until he jokingly types in hockey in the pornsite’s search bar that he truly feels like maybe he’s on the brink of discovering something about himself. The first search result is a video that starts off with two players in a locker room shedding their gear, a few lines later they’re going at it. The one getting fucked has curly blond hair just like Patrick’s, and when they’re showing the scene from behind, it almost looks like him.

Jonny barely makes it to the halfway mark of the video before he’s emptying himself in a tissue. He closes out of the site in shock. 

So does hockey get him going? Or is it guys? Or maybe it’s hockey guys? Or maybe it’s Patrick?

***

Jonny’s in his studying spot on Patrick’s bed a week later when he notices a sweatshirt hanging off the back of Patrick’s chair. It has a last name he doesn’t recognize written across the back and he’s willing to bet it’s Chase’s.

“So are you and Chase serious?” Jonny asks Patrick, annoyed at the sweatshirt dangling on the chair as if it has any right being in Patrick’s room.

Patrick spins around in the chair. “Why do you wanna know?”

“Just curious.”

“I mean we’re not _serious_ serious. Just taking things slow.”__

_ _“Sharpy was saying you guys are official, that he’s your boyfriend.”_ _

_ _Patrick groans. “He should mind his own business. We’re just hooking up, that’s it.”_ _

_ _“Well, I think you can do better than him.”_ _

_ _“Yeah? And who would that be?” Patrick asks, crossing his arms across his chest._ _

_ _There’s plenty of things Jonny could say to that, but he goes for the truth. “I don’t know yet.”_ _

_ _Patrick smirks at him and spins back in his chair. “Let me know when you do.”_ _

_ _***_ _

_ _Jonny pays closer attention to guys after that. He finds them attractive but there’s always something missing with them. He’s come to the conclusion that he’s definitely not straight, but for now it’s hard to figure out if he’s bi when he kind of just wants Patrick. _ _

_ _Patrick occupies 90% of Jonny’s brain these days. Alright, so maybe Sharpy and Seabs had a point when they took him out to lunch a while back, but he had to come to the conclusion on his own._ _

_ _Chase is still around but not as often as before. Jonny hasn’t heard moaning sounds come from Patrick’s room since around the time he told Patrick he didn’t think Chase was good enough for him._ _

_ _The easiest way to find out what’s going on with him is to experiment and see if he can actually be with a guy. He downloads a dating app and messages a few guys on campus that peak his interest. They all ask him to meet up but he keeps making excuses._ _

_ _It’s just that this whole thing is intimidating for him and if he’s honest with himself none of the guys are anything close to Patrick. The idea of hooking up with someone that isn’t the person he likes makes him uncomfortable._ _

_ _Jonny’s been pacing in his room for close to an hour, finger hovering over the send button on his dating app. He’s drafted a message saying yes to meeting up with a guy later tonight, but he’s too scared to send it._ _

_ _He hears Patrick come up the stairs and enter his room. Jonny doesn’t think before rushing over and bursting into Patrick’s room._ _

_ _“Will you kiss me?” he asks with no preamble._ _

_ _Patrick takes his coat off slowly and lifts an eyebrow in Jonny’s direction. “What?”_ _

_ _“So I don’t think I’m entirely straight, as you probably already gathered,” Jonny says, rubbing the back of his neck._ _

_ _Patrick sighs. “Yeah, but look, Jonny. I’m not going to-”_ _

_ _“Just a kiss!” Jonny interrupts him. “I want to experiment and figure out what this means but I don’t want my first kiss with a guy to be with some stranger, I want it to mean something.” _ _

_ _“And it’ll mean something with me?” Patrick asks, running a hand through his curls._ _

_ _Jonny scoffs. “No shit, dude. You’re kinda the reason I’ve been bugging out.”_ _

_ _Patrick smiles. “What’ll the kiss mean with me?”_ _

_ _Jonny hesitates. “I’m not going to tell you, yet. You’ll know when I’m ready.”_ _

_ _Patrick nods in understanding. “Good thing I’m so fucking patient.”_ _

_ _“So is that a yes?” Jonny asks, stepping closer to Patrick._ _

_ _“Hold on,” Patrick says, putting a hand out to keep Jonny away. “You don’t want your first kiss to be with a stranger but your first everything else is okay?”_ _

_ _Jonny didn’t really think of that. Of course he doesn’t want his first gay blow job or fuck to be with a stranger, talk about awkward. But he can’t exactly fool around with Patrick, it would put their relationship in jeopardy. _ _

_ _“Kissing is more intimate to me,” Jonny says, which is true._ _

_ _Patrick searches Jonny’s face. “Fine, I’ll kiss you.”_ _

_ _Jonny grins and presses up against him. _ _

_ _“But that’s it. Only one kiss.”_ _

_ _Jonny nods in agreement. “Got it.”_ _

_ _Patrick leans forward, pushing up on his tip toes and wow. The lips Jonny’s been thinking about on a loop for weeks are right there. He swallows and bends down a little._ _

_ _“Hey,” Patrick whispers, breath wisping across Jonny’s mouth. “Relax.”_ _

_ _Patrick wraps a hand around the back of Jonny’s neck and frames his face with the other. He slowly brushes Jonny’s cheek with his thumb. “It’s just me.”_ _

_ _Jonny gives him a jilted nod and leans forward. Patrick meets him the rest of the way and places his lips over Jonny’s. Jonny can feel himself tense up, but he can’t help it. It’s a weird feeling kissing your best friend._ _

_ _“Jonny,” Patrick whispers against his lips. “Kiss me.”_ _

_ _For some reason that command loosens something in Jonny and he surges forward, pushing Patrick against his desk as their lips stay locked. He threads a hand through Patrick’s hair and grips his hips with the other one._ _

_ _Their lips push and pull until Patrick’s tongue peeks out and Jonny practically swallows it whole in excitement. Patrick moans and lightly pushes him away._ _

_ _“I think that’s good for now,” Patrick says, panting._ _

_ _Jonny chases after the kiss and pecks him once, twice, three times before Patrick starts giggling and pulls him back in for another._ _

_ _Minutes go by before Patrick pushes Jonny away again and starts to put space between them. “Okay, for real now. We should stop.”_ _

_ _Jonny whines before walking over to Patrick. “That…”_ _

_ _“Speechless, huh?” Patrick asks. Jonny doesn’t respond, too busy staring at those wet swollen lips. Jonny did that! This time it was him._ _

_ _He takes a minute to gather himself before saying, “I don’t know how anyone in the entire universe is going to top that.”_ _

_ _Patrick laughs. “Let’s not get carried away now.”_ _

_ _“You disagree?” Jonny asks, grinning at him. He bends down and drops a kiss on Patrick’s cheek. Then kisses the other one, not wanting it to feel left out. _ _

_ _“Well, definitely one of the best kisses I’ve had so…”_ _

_ _“One of?” Jonny squawks._ _

_ _Patrick smiles up at him. He takes a step back and pats Jonny on the chest. “Don’t you have some experimenting to do?”_ _

_ _Jonny can’t fathom hooking up with other guys now. Patrick’s ruined him forever. The mere idea of touching someone, man or woman, who’s not Patrick makes his skin crawl. “I don’t think I need to. I think you just gave me the answer I was looking for.”_ _

_ _Jonny moves in again, making Patrick back up. “Jonny,” he warns._ _

_ _“Why do I have to experiment with other guys when I already know I like you?”_ _

_ _Patrick sighs. “We can’t.”_ _

_ _“Why not?” Jonny asks, feeling desperate. “I like you, like a fucking lot. And you like me too, right? I mean I think or-”_ _

_ _“Yes,” Patrick says over him._ _

_ _“So what’s the big deal?”_ _

_ _Patrick looks down at their feet and rubs the back of his neck. “I’m scared,” he whispers._ _

_ _Jonny’s heart breaks at the vulnerability in his voice. “I’m right here, Patrick.”_ _

_ _Patrick looks up at him and shakes his head. “What if we start something but you decide it’s not really what you want? Things get serious and you realize maybe hooking up with a guy was doable but an actual relationship with one is too much?”_ _

_ _“That’s why I wanted to experiment to begin with but I just got my answer. I already knew a relationship with you is what I wanted. It was the physical aspect that made me feel hesitant.”_ _

_ _Patrick still looks skeptical so Jonny goes to drastic measures and palms his dick through his jeans. “I’ve been hard since the second our lips touched. I’ve never been harder in my life, Pat.”_ _

_ _“You mean it?” Patrick asks, reaching out and grasping Jonny’s hand in his. “You’re not going to just bail on me when it gets to be too much?”_ _

_ _“I’m in it for the long haul, baby,” Jonny says, squeezing his hand._ _

_ _“But what about the frat? The team? Your family? Are you going to be out? Because I won’t go back into the closet again I just-”_ _

_ _“Hey, hey, hey,” Jonny says, trying to calm him down. “I’m not going to hide this from anyone, okay? I know the frat and the team will be fine with it and my parents are open minded, I’m sure they’ll take it fine. It helps that they love you.”_ _

_ _“But I don’t want to make you feel like you have to come out. That should be your decision at your own time-”_ _

_ _“I love you,” Jonny blurts out._ _

_ _Patrick looks at him with wide eyes._ _

_ _“I tried not to say it this early but you’re making it hard,” Jonny says. “I love you and nothing’s going to change that. I want to be with you, please just trust me on that. But if you don’t, that’s okay. I can wait. I don’t want to pressure you into anything either if you’re-”_ _

_ _“I love you, too,” Patrick also blurts out._ _

_ _Jonny laughs. “Yeah?”_ _

_ _Patrick grins at him. “Yeah, since that first night we studied Econ together when you had just become the Captain.”_ _

_ _“That long?”_ _

_ _Patrick bites his lip. “When I came out and you were acting jealous, I thought maybe…”_ _

_ _Jonny laughs. “Well you were right. Sharpy and Seabs too. I was totally jealous of Chase and all the guys you were with because I wanted you, not because I missed my friend.”_ _

_ _“Good think I’m so patient, huh?”_ _

_ _“More like so in love with me that no other guy can compare,” Jonny jokes._ _

_ _Patrick surges up on his tip toes and kisses him. “Yeah, actually.”_ _

_ _Jonny blushes. “Same.”_ _

_ _“So we’re doing this then?” Patrick asks, rocking their linked hands between them._ _

_ _“I want to, if you do?”_ _

_ _Patrick grins. “Hey, have you met my _boyfriend_ Jonny? Oh look, there’s Jonny, my boyfriend. Have you guys seen Jonny anywhere? He’s my boyfriend.”_ _

_ _“What are you doing?” Jonny asks, watching Patrick gesture around to invisible people._ _

_ _“Trying to see what I’ll sound like now,” Patrick answers._ _

_ _“You’re an absolute nut case,” Jonny says, laughing._ _

_ _“You like my nuts,” Patrick says, shoving Jonny back until he falls on the bed._ _

_ _“Actually, I haven’t even met them yet,” he says, eyeing Patrick’s crotch as he straddles Jonny._ _

_ _“Time to get acquainted then.”_ _

_ _***_ _

_ _“Hey everyone, I know it was last minute so thanks for coming. I promise I’ll keep it quick,” Jonny says to the rest of the frat._ _

_ _He looks over at Patrick who’s standing in the back. They share a quick smile and Patrick shoots a wink his way._ _

_ _“What’s the emergency?” Shawzy says, rushing into the room. “Did someone die?”_ _

_ _“No one died,” Jonny says, trying to settle everyone. “It’s not really an emergency. It’s just something that I think you should all know.”_ _

_ _“Let me guess, you’re gay too?” Dylan asks, joking. Everyone laughs before Patrick walks over to join him in the front of the room._ _

_ _Jonny takes his hand and smiles at them. “Well.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](https://live-in-fury.tumblr.com/)


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